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1995-08-20
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Path: tivoli.tivoli.com!geraldo.cc.utexas.edu!cs.utexas.edu!swrinde!gatech!newsfeed.pitt.edu!kelly1
From: kelly1+@pitt.edu (Sonja N Muzyczka)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advice Column (#5)
Date: 6 Feb 1995 13:44:29 GMT
Organization: University of Pittsburgh
Lines: 48
Message-ID: <3h593t$1nt@usenet.srv.cis.pitt.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: unixd2.cis.pitt.edu
Xref: tivoli.tivoli.com alt.startrek.creative:5699
DEAR KORDITE: A KLINGON ADVICE COLUMN (#5)
Making the best of an annoyance.
Dear Kordite,
My problem is this really cute little pet that my girlfriend
brought back from Planet Hollywood last month. It's round, furry, and
buzzes at one when it is happy (or at any other time, as near as I can
determine). It also has kids. . . lots of them. The kids have kids. . .
lots of them. The grandkids have had kids. . . lots of them. The little
buggers are eating me out of house and home! Help!
Troubled by Tribbles
Dear Troubled,
These disgusting little monsters are like a detestable furry plague
of syrupy-sweet niceness upon the galaxy and, were I to have my way, their
scourge would be obliterated from the face of existance with the severest
of violent prejudice. Such is the extent of my loathing. In the
meantime, here is a list of some suggestions for dealing with the
hateful, purring creatures:
1) Tribbles are just the right size for coin purses.
2) Fuzzy dice to hang above the targeting screen of your
battlecruiser.
3) Tribble McNuggets. ("Tastes like chicken!")
4) Really deep pile carpeting.
5) Feed them Alka-Seltzer. ("Pop goes the Tribble.")
6) Fur coats. ("Club 'em like harp seals, men!")
7) Ferengi ear swabs.
8) Tribble flambe, a delicious and visually entertaining dessert.
9) Stir fry.
10) Wrath (tm) brand Tribble Motels. ("They check in but they
don't check out.")
To advance my genocidal campaign I intend to publish a book in the
near future. I have yet to decide on a title, perhaps "1001 Uses for a
Dead Tribble" or maybe "Tribble Ranching for Fun and Profit.". Anyone
caring to support the most worthy and honorable cause of Tribble
eradication can send donations and recepies to me care of this
publication.
Lt.Cmdr. Kordite vestai-Tasighor (aka Kevin Geiselman) is Intelligence
Officer of the IKV Dark Justice and advice columnist for the Internet.
Send your questions to him via e-mail c/o kelly1@unixd.cis.pitt.edu or
via snail-mail at 301 Overdale Rd. Pittsburgh, PA 15221
Special Thanks to Lt. Cmdr. William Underhill, USS Vancouver
<aa452@cfn.cs.dal.ca>